How to Support a Friend Through Coronavirus
Coronavirus has had a significant impact on us and no more so than on our emotional wellbeing. The majority of us have never experienced having so much freedom taken away from us and some will struggle more than others.
How can we be there for our loved ones when we are dealing with so much change ourselves? How would it feel to create a culture of connection and support during these isolating times?
What would this mean to you? When we reach out to others and make a positive difference to those around us, we in turn feel better in ourselves. We’ve done something nice, we’ve made someone happy, we feel good about ourselves and we feel connected to those we have helped in some way.
Imagine you receive a card or a bunch of flowers through the post from a friend, what emotions does this trigger? You feel cared for, you feel important to someone, you know someone is thinking about you, it perks you up and you want to reach out to them in return, even if only with gratitude. You put the card or flowers in view and each time you see them you feel the same way, those same lovely emotions are triggered again and again throughout the day and the coming weeks.
This example of reaching out requires minimum effort and can be inexpensive, sending a little note through the post will cost you the price of a stamp, it will make a huge difference to someone’s day, and will give you a little kick as well.
A quick text checking in on friends again shows you are thinking about them and you care enough to take the time to reach out. Booking in a mutually convenient time for a telephone call again shows they are important to you and you are committing time to them. This will mean a great deal to anyone feeling particularly lonely.
Sharing motivational ideas with friends is a good way to support each other, if you’ve found a great activity that makes you feel good, encourage them to consider it. Get creative with your phone calls, playing a game over the phone might not be easy but it’s definitely possible!
Zoom meetings aren’t everyone’s cup of tea but are a good way of getting that face-to-face fix when we’re short of actual physical interaction, particularly if you are hard of hearing and unable to connect audibly. We need to see other people, it’s one of the things that makes us human.
The biggest thing for me when considering the support of a friend that may be struggling is the most simple thing of all – listening. We become tempted to try to make things better or cheer people up who are finding it tough but it’s likely they simply need to get things off their chest and be heard.
How many times have you wanted to talk through something difficult with someone and they’ve said “oh, I know exactly how you feel” and proceeded to tell you about an experience they’ve had that may or may not appear remotely connected. They are trying to help you feel they understand and sometimes it might be helpful to know you’re not on your own in your experiences but imagine if they’d just heard you, listened carefully, validated your feelings, and then helped you explore it without detracting from your struggles by turning the conversation to them. How much more beneficial would it be to have that time just for you, to feel supported, to feel someone understands, to get your thoughts out of your head without taking on someone else’s? Is it helpful to hear what they would do in your position? Maybe occasionally but isn’t it more beneficial to have someone help you explore the right way for you to tackle your issues?
It’s actually quite challenging to allow this time for someone to talk without offering our own experiences, possible solutions, and our own thoughts, perspectives and feelings but the value of this should not be underestimated. Good listening skills come with empathy for our fellow humans, a mostly natural human trait. When we truly listen, our empathy unfolds and we hear so much more than we may previously have done. We hear the underlying tones, the cracks in the voice, the emotions behind the words, and develop a sense of what is not being said which can often be so much more important that what we are being allowed to hear.
It is often the case that we don’t want to burden people with our issues, particularly during a global pandemic when everyone else has their own difficulties to contend with. It’s therefore important to reassure our loved ones that we have the capacity to support them if they’re finding things particularly troublesome. Asking someone how they are doing is unlikely to generate an honest response if they’re worried about offloading onto you, asking them how they are really doing might just help them accept the invitation to share that you are offering.
Consider your openings and responses carefully and ask open-ended questions that create a conversation they will be more likely to engage in. So rather than ask “are you okay?” which generates the opportunity for them to simply say “yes,” ask instead “how are you feeling?” or what would you like to talk about?” Who, what, how, where, which and when questions are great. Try to avoid asking ‘why’ as this can feel accusatory, as though you disagree with something they’re doing or thinking or feeling. This is actually really difficult to do. I dare you to try it!
It can be quite emotionally draining to offer this emotional support to someone close to us as, when we care, we do have a tendency to take this on board and worry for them on their behalf. It is a useful reminder that we are better able to support our loved ones when we offer a ‘sounding board’ for them to find their own solutions to their own problems and we allow them to do this. If you find yourself too involved in someone else’s problems, you’ve entered a position of trying to ‘fix’ their issues and help them feel better. As much as this does display that you care and can be relied upon for support, this is not useful for you or them. Being on hand to offer support when it is asked for is much more valuable to those in need rather than bombarding them with offers of support that they don’t want but may feel uncomfortable refusing. It also helps you to detach from the issue without getting too emotionally involved.
Imagine you’ve offered all this emotional support in the most beneficial way possible and then you send them a card?! What an amazing friend you will have been. And how great can you feel about yourself? Added bonus!
If you are looking for more ideas around looking after yourself during the pandemic, you may also find this previous article useful.
If you’re struggling to find this support for yourself and would like the opportunity to be truly heard without judgement or limitations, please feel free to contact us here.
