Reaction v’s Behaviour
I’ve been re-thinking the whole “you can’t control other people’s behaviour, you can only control your reaction to it” myth.
I’ve made similar statements to many clients over the years as it’s a productive way of looking at our own behaviours in response to others and helps us focus more intently on our coping strategies and unhealthy reactions in order to develop better ways of managing our mental health.
The belief that we can’t control others’ behaviour helps us disconnect from frustrating actions displayed by society, whether on an individual basis, nationally, or even globally. We seek then to care for ourselves, to keep ourselves safe under pressure and find healthy, positive ways of responding to personal conflict and uncomfortable feelings.
There’s nothing wrong with this, it definitely helps us on a day to day basis, but is it true that we can’t control others’ behaviours? And does it make us too insular and disconnected from the changes that need to occur in the world we exist in?
In changing our reaction to the behaviours of others, don’t we, by default, leave them considering their behaviour towards us?
If the school bully wants to exert power and control over us and upset us and we refuse to allow it, they will try new things, step it up, they’ll try harder, they’ll adjust their behaviour. If we continue to react healthily and refuse to be upset by their behaviour they’ll likely give up and may even be nice to us from there on in. We’ll have reversed the power and control and impacted their behaviour towards us. They may however simply take this behaviour off to another unwilling participant. We haven’t changed their bullying habit but we’ve certainly changed their behaviour towards us.
If we have a parent that uses guilt against us in order to gain something from us, we can again refuse to comply, we can challenge or we can ignore. When the behaviour no longer achieves its aim the guilt trips will become futile, the parent will have to change their behaviour and the need for us to challenge or take long deep breaths will become less and less. The relationship will change. Again, they may only modify this with you but if you’re challenging the behaviour, you may help them see the unhealthy strategies they’ve developed in order to get what they want and promote a desire to change this in themselves. This may then impact on how they communicate with others as well as you.
We’re seeing challenge occur on a grander scale at the moment with the Black Lives Matter movement. Communities that have largely put their heads down and adapted to the racist attitudes and behaviours towards them in order to protect themselves are now standing up and fighting back. And rightly so. They are collectively changing their reactions to racism, under significant risk, and taking back some sense of power and control for themselves, their families, their communities, their ancestors, their race. And it is creating change. It is creating discussion. It is creating a new passion in others outside of their communities to help to enforce justice and equality. It is challenging attitudes and behaviours and the more this is heard and the more it is implemented by everyone in a position to do so, the more likely it is that change will occur.
“It is not enough to say you aren’t racist, you have to be anti-racist.” This statement that we are hearing a great deal of at the moment challenges us to look at our reactions to others’ behaviour. We can stand back and allow racist comments to continue whilst feeling a little annoyed about it, or we can change the way we respond and challenge these comments in order to promote a different way of thinking in the person making these comments. Once may be enough for that person for them to, at the very least keep their racist thoughts to themselves, but if they are challenged repeatedly by you and others, they are going to begin feeling uncomfortable, they’re going to feel their views are unacceptable to others, they’re going to crave acceptance (as we all do) and they are going to have to reconsider their stance. A change in attitude and associated behaviour may well occur.
We can therefore influence the behaviour of other people. When we challenge this personally on a one to one basis, it will likely only enhance our own personal relationships with the hope that it may rub off on others. When we challenge this collectively, a greater change occurs and healthier attitudes and behaviours arise. If all victims of our bully used the same tactics to reduce the impact the bully’s behaviour seeks to create, the bully would certainly need to take a look at themselves and find what it is they’re seeking in a different (and hopefully healthier) way.
When we change our reactions we influence behaviour. We take control. We create change. We find ourselves in healthier relationships. We develop in confidence. We find our voice. We feel well in ourselves.
“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” Henry Ford
What changes would you like to see?
