Should I?

Set yourself a task. Notice how many times you use the word ‘should’ in your day. Notice how you’re using it. The word ‘should’ suggests we are asking or answering a question based on what we think is right or acceptable…

“Should I rent or buy?” … “I should really be getting on with the housework” … “Should I save or spend?” … “I should be happier” … “Should I feel like this?” … “I should be married with kids by now” … etc etc.

The word ‘should’ puts a great deal of pressure on us whether it comes from ourselves or someone else. If we’re told we should be a certain way or should be doing a certain thing, we believe it is so, it becomes a definite, even if it us telling ourselves.

A past client of mine presented with feelings of loneliness and low self-worth when, at 50, she felt she should have been married, had children, had a good career, had a mortgage, had travelled the world etc. She felt she was less experienced than her peers because they had all followed our social norms, followed in the generational footsteps, done what she was supposed to do. It didn’t matter that she didn’t want children, that she still had many years to travel, that she didn’t understand the need to put her name down to a debt spanning 25 years just to have a roof over her head, that she had trained for several jobs that felt right for her and excited her, because it now felt wrong, she felt different to the people around her, her own experiences far different from the majority. She was now living in a world of “I should” despite evidently living her life how she wanted to live it for a number of decades.

Her freedom and independence and different way of life had now become a problem, she felt she didn’t have anyone she could connect with at this stage in her life because they were all settled with families etc. They’d all had a very different experience of life up to that point and it was this that made her begin to question her own decisions and draw on the ‘I should’ complex.

I’ve been considering our social norms for some time now and how they influence my own life which has been far from average. I’ve most definitely made decisions however based on what I feel other people will consider the right thing to do, concerned with what people may think of me if I choose a different path and do things my own way as, unfortunately, it will seem strange and often people will consider you to be a failure if you don’t make a variety of choices that are based on their own beliefs and values.

If we can get past this, stop caring what other people think of the decisions we make for ourselves that have nothing to do with anyone but us, imagine the freedom we would feel, the joy that would come from living our lives our way, doing what feels right each and every time without worry, to leave others to live their lives following the norms whilst we do our own thing. How delightfully freeing.

I was once described as a maverick, living my life as I saw fit from one minute to the next, not worrying about what I ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ do, not watching those around me for direction. I was thrilled. I questioned whether I was thrilled because my lifestyle had been accepted and had the potential to make people envious and I must admit that this was likely the case however I also recognised that I hadn’t needed acceptance to do it, I hadn’t intended on creating envy, I simply wanted to live my life in a way that felt right for me and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. If others were impressed by this and it made them consider their own ways of being then great for them.

I long ago stopped apologising and making excuses when I was invited to do things I didn’t want to do, but I also found I wanted to do more and more things because it didn’t matter how these things went, I’d get the most out of it and learn from my mistakes and enjoy the process. I didn’t care what other people thought. I’d been able to let go of the ‘shoulds.’ 

When you find you are telling yourself you should do a certain thing or be a certain way, follow your statement with ‘why should I?’ Follow this again with ‘who said I should?’ The answer to the latter will likely be you. You have developed a core societal belief that things should be a certain way and you should be behaving accordingly. So much pressure. So limiting. So conservative. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, there’s nothing wrong with doing things your own way. It’s your life to live how you want to live it, so follow your instincts, do what feels right for you, be true to yourself and stop following the stream of people doing it the ‘right’ way. There is no right way, we’re just raised to believe there is by people who were also raised to believe there is.

For my client, she needed to free herself again from the shoulds, to relish in the fact that her life had been different from other people’s because she’d done things her way, that this was always going to be the right way for her and it didn’t matter how different her life now looked compared to others. She had her own experiences to share, experiences that were just as worthwhile, just as interesting, just as valid. She had a great deal to offer to the conversation, she was intriguing, and exciting and true to herself. Simply because our lives don’t look like others doesn’t mean we don’t have anything of value to offer. If we are all living the same lives, our conversations will be quite boring. Look for the differences and live for the differences, it makes for good conversation!