What Does It Mean To Be A Man?
I’ve had several male clients deliberate over what it means to be a man in the modern-day world, questioning their masculinity, and pondering over their self-doubt. Is it possible to come up with an answer that fits for all?
As times change and people raise voice to inequality and discrimination and women strive for more satisfying roles, independence, recognition and control, and as men are encouraged to be more comfortable with their emotions, it appears as though, as a society, we are recognising the strengths and needs of both sexes, however the trajectory might feel at polar opposites. We are encouraging strength in our female population and vulnerability in our male counterparts.
As a therapist, it is my role to put myself in the shoes of my clients, to understand their perspective, to support transition from self-doubt to confidence, and I admit that, as a woman, raised without the benefit of brothers for observation, it is challenging for me to truly understand the core values that men will have been raised with, often from an older generation of paternal ancestors with more traditional views of a man’s role. That’s not to say I don’t try. It’s become quite an eye-opener in fact.
Both my father and his father fitted the stereotypical male archetype. They went out to work to earn the bread for their families and were the dominant parent, in charge of discipline where needed. It didn’t matter that both my mother and my grandmother also worked and were equally capable of distributing discipline as appropriate because they also undertook the more stereotypical female role doing all the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping, etc and taking responsibility for looking after their children on a day-to-day basis. The traditional male roles were therefore not challenged and my paternal ancestors could continue in their role feeling satisfied that they were fulfilling their male obligations and could feel like men. My grandfather once told me he didn’t agree with all this ‘psychology stuff’ I was doing, he’d been through a war, you just get on with things, you don’t need to talk about it. He was simply lost when my grandmother passed away and without talking it through, he never recovered and he slowly followed her.
We talk about chauvinism and sexism and we berate these narrow-minded views but I wonder how many men are simply holding on to their core beliefs about their own and women’s roles in society because the idea of challenging their beliefs is simply too difficult to contemplate? What would it mean for them as an individual? Where would they start? Would they need to consider their past behaviour and accept how inappropriate this may have been? How would they know how to conduct themselves in the future? How uncomfortable would it be to question how you’ve been living your entire life and interacting in your relationships?
Domestic abuse is a vast issue in today’s society and is more commonly perpetrated by heterosexual males who seek to control their partners. Is this the battle to retain what they believe to be true? To hold on to old-fashioned views? To ensure women accept their traditional roles in order to protect the male self-image? How difficult might it be to accept that the father or grandfather you admired may have also held rigid, possibly unacceptable, beliefs? In order to feel like a man, the man he has learned to become, he must protect his learning at all costs or lose it all to uncertainty and vulnerability. It may be easier to hurt those challenging your core values than to listen and dare to change.
As a mother to sons, I have witnessed the opposite to this, I’ve seen the controlling and manipulative behaviour of girlfriends who seek more than equality in their relationships. They seek power. I wonder what their beliefs were of what a man should be? Again, we could relate this to uncertainty in an ever-changing world. How will we know when we’ve achieved a healthy balance? What does equality actually look like? Even when two people come together in the hope of an equal and healthy partnership, they will have their own idea of what this looks like and feels like. Disagreements occur, emotions are triggered, and if communication is lacking, problems persist. It makes sense then that divorce rates continue to rise as we’re all trying to find a place for ourselves as men and women that feels respectful and fair.
Women (in general terms) have, for many years now, been exercising their right to work, to drive, to vote, to drink, to receive fair pay, and even to dominate in some circumstances whilst unfortunately still striving to perform all of the traditional female duties. How exhausting! But very practical. These things can be looked at logically and strategically and tweaked. In setting boundaries, women can benefit enormously and feel much better in themselves, more confident, more content.
Men on the other hand are suffering a loss. Their traditional roles, their views and perspectives, are being challenged and reduced as these views become less valued in a more balanced world. They can continue to undertake these roles of course but, in order to redress the balance and feel equally of value to women, they must take on more domestic roles. How unfortunate! They are encouraged to also be more open and honest about their feelings, to talk to friends and family about their difficulties. I have developed a sense that this is particularly challenging when approaching other men. How will they be viewed? Male clients usually struggle to approach their fathers for support in most cases and friends will be approached only if they know that these friends have also had their own issues to struggle with, they’re a safer option, it’s a shared vulnerability, their masculinity remains safe, their perceived weakness hidden from the rest of the world.
And then comes emotion. As much as it is globally accepted that women are more emotional than men and find it easier to talk and cry, this is not something I find represented in my counselling room. I have supported many a man through his emotions and have provided many a tissue. I have also worked with many a woman who is only struggling because they are trying desperately to avoid their emotions, they have been strong for so long and have spent so much time looking after everybody else that they’ve lost touch with their own needs and find it too difficult to stop and take stock. They worry that if they open up the flood gates they will never be able to close them again and will end up a blubbering mess. This doesn’t feel sensible when you’ve so many people relying on you to be strong.
I think the reality of this perceived difference comes in the acceptance of emotion in society, the belief that men are somehow less masculine if they dare to demonstrate their natural human emotions that serve each and every human being across the planet. They exist for a reason. They are what makes us human. To put such a negative slant on something so human and so necessary to emotional wellbeing is truly absurd. And when we take a minute to think about this, who is it that made this true? At what point did it become unacceptable for men to be human? Was there a purpose? Maybe at one point in history it made sense. Times change. Anyone that still believes that it is not right for men to express their emotions are truly delusional. They are stuck in those beliefs that they have not spent any time actually considering, let alone challenging. It is easier to simply believe our own truths that we have come to ‘know’ because they’ve been passed down to us through the generations without any pause for thought. If it works for you and seems right why change it?
What if it isn’t working for you? Wouldn’t it be freeing to just be able to express your emotions without fear of judgement? How great would it be to be so confident in yourself that you were able to maintain your sense of masculinity whilst opening up your innermost struggles? What if you could see vulnerability as a strength? If it seems challenging and scary then how brave are you to put it out there anyway?!
There isn’t a ‘one size fits all’ solution unfortunately as we are all individuals with our own lives and our own beliefs. We may want to look at some of these beliefs, we may be perfectly happy with others. We may need to challenge our perspectives, we may need to ‘try out’ new ways of being. We may need to reconsider our role models, friends, and relationships and we may need a little time out (maybe in therapy) to consider what we want for ourselves, who we strive to be, who we choose to surround ourselves with etc in order to find a more healthy view of ourselves as human beings. If you knew exactly what it meant for you to be a man and you worked on being that person, you’d be happy would you not? We can’t possibly look at the world and try to find our answers out there. It simply has to feel right for you as an individual and only you know what works for you. If it feels right but it’s not working, challenge yourself to reconsider and test out a new way of being. Ask yourself what makes it true? What makes it right? Who said so? And make it right for you.
If you’d like to talk this issue through in therapy, take the first step today and make contact here. If you’d prefer to initially discuss your options over the phone, please feel free to contact me on 07831202104.
