Why aren’t I good enough?

When we are constantly striving to be better, trying to prove ourselves to others, trying to hide the ‘real us’ from the people around us, we are fighting a losing battle. The battle you should be having is actually with your view of yourself.

The underlying factor in anyone trying their best to gain approval, praise, attention, and love from others is low self-worth. Striving to be someone others will like more is a futile task, because the likelihood is that we won’t ever feel we’ve achieved a high enough standard.

If you’re finding yourself thinking that you aren’t as good as other people, that others make better choices than you, that they have something you lack, that they are more deserving, or capable, or intelligent etc, it is important to take a step back and truly consider who you are. Comparing ourselves negatively to others can only be detrimental to our wellbeing and leave us feeling unworthy, unlikeable, and a failure, and the more we talk ourselves into this, the more evidence we will find that this is true, because every little comparison becomes our unjustified truth.

Ask yourself, when was the last time you looked for evidence to the contrary? Do you ever consider your strengths, your qualities, your abilities? My guess is a resounding No. It is easy to lose sight of our positive attributes when we are so stuck in covering up and working on what we consider to be our flaws.

Perfectionism kicks in, we can only feel good enough when we achieve complete success, when we do something so well others can’t criticise it. 99% in an exam won’t do, we failed in achieving 100% so we didn’t do well enough. We become so focused on the 1% we didn’t achieve that the 99% gets lost in the background, it means nothing to us, we have to figure out what the 1% was so we can get it right next time.

I imagine that if a fellow student, a colleague, a friend, were to achieve 99% in the same exam, you’d see them as excelling, what a score! How brilliant they are! You’ll be unable to give yourself the same praise, you may pass it off as luck if you bother to consider it at all.

What makes you different? I ask lots of clients this question and I’m yet to hear one person give me a logical answer. The most common response is that something just feels different, they can’t see themselves with the same perspective they see others because they believe so wholeheartedly that they just are different. No evidence, no examples, just a firm belief that this is the case.

So what if they’re wrong? And I’m here to tell you they ARE. We are all born with potential, with thoughts, feelings, passions, interests, talents, personalities, ideals, yet all of these things we have in common are also unique to us. Some will be natural, and others will develop over time. Our environment will be involved in shaping us, our early attachments will have a significant impact on who we become, our social class will dictate the opportunities we are able to benefit from, and our experiences will help create our view of the world around us. All of these things will also help create our view of ourselves.

When we come from a less privileged background we can feel inferior, when we have suffered abuse we can feel unworthy and ashamed of who we are, when we have been raised in unhealthy, risky environments we can feel vulnerable out in the big wide world, when we have lost someone close to us we can feel afraid and alert for more loss and cut ourselves off, when we have been overprotected during childhood we can feel indecisive and unable to make our own choices etc.

When we have been left with little confidence in ourselves and the world around us and we are alert to criticism from others and ourselves, we can develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to combat this and perfectionism is a common strategy. It never quite works though. The more we strive for perfection in order to prove ourselves worthy to ourselves and others, the more we fail, because perfection is not usually achievable. The more we fail, the more we see evidence that we are not worthy or as good as other people (despite having much lower standards for the people around us). We are probably doing much better than most because we are trying so hard and yet we continue to feel of lesser value because we continue to fail to reach our own high standards.

So how can we let go of this need to strive and simply be ourselves whilst still feel safe enough to do so?

This comes down to control. Do you feel in control? In our desperation to achieve perfection, we can develop a sense of control, we know what we are going to do and how we are going to do it in order to achieve the desired outcome, however when we aren’t able to succeed, or we do succeed but still feel it isn’t enough, we can feel we are losing control, we are trying so hard but nothing is ever good enough and we can become distressed, depressed, and anxious, and the cycle of ‘not good enough’ continues.

As strange as it may sound, to feel more in control, we need to relinquish some control. If you consider for a moment how much more relaxed you would feel if you were aiming for ‘good enough’ rather than ‘the best.’ This won’t feel comfortable but how much simpler would life be? How much easier would your day be? To simply get on with your tasks to the best of your ability without any pressure on yourself to excel? You’ve got to admit, it would be nice wouldn’t it? 

The uncomfortableness in considering this comes right back to your own thoughts about yourself. Your view of you has been skewed somewhere along the way and if your core beliefs are excessively negative, it will be very difficult to change the way you feel about yourself without some help. 

This needs to be explored, how did these beliefs become instilled in you? What has created the intense conviction that you are different from others and that you need to work harder to be accepted? How can you let go of these beliefs and replace them with a new, more fulfilling view of yourself? How do you begin looking for the evidence that disproves your theories about your worthiness? How do you begin to like yourself when this is an alien concept to you? 

This is extensive work, it will involve a great deal of exploration, evidence gathering, theory testing, confidence building, self-esteem raising, and self-worth development. However, the work will be of huge benefit and will leave you feeling more equal to others, deserving of love, able to set boundaries for yourself, able to relax your mind, more open to friendships and relationships, more confident at work etc and will give you a more positive view of your future. It’s so very worth it. YOU are so very worth it. I dare you to come and prove me wrong!

If you have decided that something needs to change and you need help addressing the difficulties you’re having, please don’t hesitate to get in touch, an experienced therapist is just waiting to help you get started.

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Or contact Tracy if you’d like to talk through your needs on 07831202104