I Can’t Get Over a Failed Relationship

Breakups are tough and can sometimes be devastating, but rest assured, there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Keep reading to see how one person came out from under the cloud and saw a much more positive outlook.

Initial session

Anna struggled to get out of bed for her appointment, she threw on some jeans and a loose-fitting jumper before attending her first counselling session feeling enormously drained. The pain she was feeling from her recent breakup was just as real in the physical sense as it was emotionally exhausting, she could almost feel her heart broken in her chest, her head heavy, her eyelids sore. She poured out her story, feeling responsible for her situation, and so absolutely distraught that she hadn’t been more reasonable, more patient, more understanding. Her boyfriend had walked away after over 5 years together. She’d wanted to bring their relationship closer, for them to live together, to provide a secure unit for her 3 children from a previous, abusive relationship. She felt she’d pressured him too soon. She loved him so much and told me throughout that first session what a lovely, decent man he was and how she needed to work on herself as she was so needy and it was completely her fault that she was now in this position, that she’d lost him by asking for too much.

At this point, she was unable to work in her support role or look after her children. Her mum was helping her with childcare but Anna felt unable to talk to her about her distress in a way her mum could understand. Anna spent her days crying, texting her ex-boyfriend throughout the day, ringing him and leaving him voicemails, and she was particularly upset that he was offering her no reassurance. He had been her main source of support in their relationship and now he’d gone. She needed this support more than ever and felt the need to keep trying to find this from him. He offered nothing. He increased her belief in her reality that this was all her fault. She wanted to know that there was hope for them if she made changes and had counselling and worked on herself, he refused to allow her this hope. 

Her situation was dire. She was panicking. There was nothing she could do to fix it and she was so absolutely desperate to fix it. She’d turned to alcohol to help her to cope with the devastation she was experiencing.

At the end of the session, she was in absolute turmoil that she would have to cope another week before her second session and she didn’t know how she was going to get through it. I advised her to give herself time to grieve and to do whatever she felt necessary to keep herself going, to speak to friends, to take time out without guilt, to look after herself as best she knew how. She needed the time, and she deserved the time. She needed to allow herself this.

The second session:

Anna arrived looking as down and tired as she had done the previous week and talked about the contact she’d had with her ex-boyfriend that week. The more she spoke, the more it became clear to me that his responses were actually cleverly designed to hurt her and keep her feeling distraught and at fault. He was being manipulative in his ‘niceness’ and could switch his attitude to one of annoyance at her need to talk their situation through. She was feeling desperately alone and he often chose to ignore her, taking no responsibility for the devastation he had caused in choosing to break up their relationship. She told me of his good relationship with his ex-girlfriend and how this had made her jealous during their relationship when he visited his ex and refused to talk about what this was for. She was worried he may return to this previous relationship, further reducing the possibility of a reconciliation. Toward the end of this session I changed tack with Anna and began to discuss the red flags I was beginning to see. We talked about triangulation and explored gaslighting and I could see the questioning look in Anna’s eyes. This rang true. We began exploring the concept of sociopathy in relationships and, running out of time, I recommended that Anna continue to research sociopathic behaviours with a view to continuing down this line in the next session.

Session 3

Anna came in with a bounce in her step! She’d done some reading and was absolutely convinced her ex-boyfriend was a fully-fledged sociopath. The new found clarity in her situation meant she was feeling very differently towards him and their breakup. She was able to see the manipulation he had used to gain her full attention and have her pandering to his every whim. Her life revolved around him, she spent her money on him, she was afraid to speak her mind when things felt difficult as she didn’t want to upset him. Her key learning was that he had never loved her and with this understanding, she was able to disconnect her emotions related to her perceived love between them, it was manufactured, entirely false. This felt freeing. She no longer needed to blame herself. It was never real. She’d communicated to him what she’d learned and was able to see the manipulation he was responding back to her with. She was actually able to laugh about this. She felt in control. She’d booked herself in to have her hair done.

I offered to continue to go through the book we’d started but she felt this wasn’t necessary. I saw a different Anna that day. She was stronger, she was determined, she wanted to explore the possible reasons she had been targeted by him, recognising it was likely that her desire for the perfect family for her children was a contributing factor, coupled with abandonment in childhood that had left her with low self-esteem and confidence. We talked this through. Anna left feeling confident that she would tackle the remaining communication she needed to have with him before she could realistically walk away. There were practicalities to deal with but she wanted nothing more to do with him and wanted closure.

Session 4:

A new woman walked into my clinic. Hair done, make up on, dressed well, looking fresh and happy. This was a very different Anna to the one who had walked through my door 3 weeks earlier. She had been meeting with friends, was aiming to return to work the following week, and had booked a family holiday. She had cut all ties with her ex. She felt fully in control. She used the session to check through her decisions to ensure there was nothing she was missing. There were a few ‘aha’ moments and she appeared to walk away with her head held even higher.

The final session:

Anna came in smiling and filled the room with her presence. She exuded an air of freedom and confidence. She had returned to work, had taken her children on a weekend break with a friend, and had a date planned with a new man, fully confident that she would recognise any red flags early on and would walk away without a moment’s indecision if it didn’t feel right. Throughout our sessions, she’d recognised a lot of uncomfortable moments in her early days with her ex that she’d chosen to ignore in order to fulfil her desires for a happy family unit and understood that instinct should never be pushed aside. 

She used this last session to talk about her plans for the immediate future and I subsequently watched her walk away a happy single woman.

If you identify with any of the above and feel you may benefit from some support talking through your relationship breakdown, I would be more than happy to help guide you through this process. 

You can contact me via this page or via mobile on 07831202104 if you’d prefer a brief chat before booking in.