Loss of a Long Term Relationship

Losing a loved one can be one of the most difficult of life’s challenges and we will all deal with this in our own way. There is no right or wrong, but if you feel you’re not able to move past it, and need help finding the light at the end of the tunnel, keep reading.

The Loss

When we’ve spent a lot of our adult life in a relationship with another person, being a part of a couple, existing in partnership, becoming parents together, experiencing life’s twists and turns with each other, the loss can feel unbearable. Whether this be through death, divorce, or ill health, we suddenly find a different future before us, an uncertain future, and this can be scary and leave us feeling worried and empty.

It’s important to recognise that our loss doesn’t just stem from the physical loss of the person, the resulting divide can lead to the loss of a home, the loss of friends, time with our children (through shared contact) our financial stability, our routine, close relationships with in-laws, our sense of safety/security, the connectedness to our shared memories, our freedom to travel and socialise, and much, much more. Our entire identity can come under threat. We don’t know how to continue without them or what life might look like alone and we don’t know who we are without them or how we might go on.

We grieve. Even when we may have been the one to make the decision to end the relationship, an integral part of our life has now gone, and we will feel bereft. With grief comes feelings of sadness, loneliness, fear, guilt, shame, embarrassment, anger, uncertainty, doubt, anxiety, emptiness, denial, and more, and it can be extremely difficult to focus on our everyday lives and tasks. Of course it can. Our head is full of emotion.

We need time to grieve, we need time to sort through these emotions and the thoughts that come along with them. But when we are feeling so overwhelmed, this is easier said than done.

Sudden Separation

If you’ve found yourself alone due to a partner suddenly and unexpectedly ending your relationship, particularly if they’ve moved on very quickly, you may want to check out this associated article entitled “I can’t get over a failed relationship” which discusses unhealthy relationships and the devastation that can be deliberately created by a partner. It’s worth checking out if you identify with this and how you might start your recovery with a clearer understanding of your situation.

The Adjustment

The adjustment can be tremendously difficult and leave us with a need to reinvent ourselves as an independent being. The challenges that come with this can sometimes feel too much to bear and we may end up doing one of three unhealthy things:

• Reach out and try to replace our lost loved one with someone new as quickly as we can in order to eradicate the uncertainty we are struggling with and reduce the distress we are feeling by replacing the love we have lost. Entering into a new relationship whilst we are vulnerable and in need can leave us open to manipulation and we can find ourselves in terribly unhealthy and controlling relationships. We are more likely to accept them because this is easier than dealing with our grief. It feels like anything is better than the emptiness it creates if we let it go. Logically, we know this isn’t true, but when we’re stuck in our emotions, the new relationship becomes our lifeline and we simply don’t want to release it and return to our grief state.

• Power through. Carry on as though nothing has happened and we are perfectly okay. This is a great way to dismiss our grief, turn our difficult feelings off, and help ourselves continue our normal daily lives without too much difficulty but as I’m sure you will understand, this is very unhealthy. If we do not give ourselves the time we deserve to process our loss, it will come back to bite us when we least expect it and leave us feeling it’s too late to talk it through. We may not even recognise that the issues arising stem from our loss at all. If we have come out of an abusive relationship and don’t spend some time considering how we ended up there, we are more susceptible to further unhealthy relationships in the future.

• Withdraw. Isolate ourselves. Neglect our needs. Use alcohol or other substances to help us numb the pain. Cut ourselves off from friends and family because we don’t want to feel a burden or upset them. We feel we have nobody to talk to and sit in our grief alone, doing our best to make it through each day, neglecting our basic needs and feeling unable to maintain our responsibilities which in turn makes us feel worse. We feel we can’t cope. We feel overwhelmed. We may even feel we can’t go on living. We may begin to feel there is something wrong with us and we can feel embarrassed and ashamed which will makes us isolate further. We aren’t going to want to share our pain with others if we feel they won’t understand or will be dismissive of our plight. 

The Solution

As hard as it is, our best option is to move through the grief by allowing ourselves to feel it. Grief is a healthy human reaction to loss and serves a purpose in helping us heal. It helps us focus on what has happened to us, makes us take the time to consider our vulnerabilities, forces us to take stock and consider our next move, gives us reason to evaluate our choices and consider any lessons learned. 

If you’re having a hard time dealing with his process, you must take some time to be kind to yourself. It does you good to cry, it’s okay to sleep more than usual, it’s normal to withdraw for a while, and it helps to write about, or draw, your experience, your thoughts, and your emotions. Do spend some time focusing on something else if you can, it will do you good to take some time out to do something enjoyable. It’s okay to laugh.

Try to look after your physical wellbeing. Eat when you can, take a bath, take some time to walk, to get some fresh air and connect with your surroundings, and practice some mindfulness to keep yourself grounded and in touch with your grieving process.

It’s important to talk about how you’re feeling. Reach out to someone you trust. And if you don’t feel you have anyone to turn to, speak to a professional - a GP, specialist service, or a therapist.

If you allow yourself this time, and look after yourself, and talk it through, you will find your light, you will find hope and a way forward, and you will also find that, in time, you will have the ability to tap into your grief in healthy ways without it overwhelming you if ever you feel the need to revisit it.

Make Contact

You will get through this in your own way and in your own time but if you are feeling alone and are considering getting help through therapy, please do get in touch.

Contact us here or ring me, Tracy, on mobile: 07831202104 

There are helplines available if you are feeling particularly low and suicidal and need immediate support. Check them out here.