Hidden Abuse

I was in what I would describe as a ‘covert’ abusive relationship for the best part of 10 years. Covert because nobody, not even I, recognised it as abusive.

Ironically, I began to look at my relationship differently when I began a placement as part of my counselling diploma at a local Women’s Aid support centre, offering one to one therapy to female survivors of domestic abuse. I developed a passion for the topic and moved into the voluntary role of support group facilitator. The group work was where I began to recognise similarities between my own relationship and the abusive experiences being relayed by the all-female group. I began to slowly acknowledge just how unhealthy my relationship was but wasn’t able to be openly honest about this as I worried I was being ‘over-dramatic.’ He appeared to be a lovely man who’d do anything for anyone, he complimented me and told me he loved me daily. Surely I was wrong. He’d certainly never been violent or nasty toward me.

The more I explored the program with these women the more I saw the control he had over me, how unbalanced our relationship was, and how I had altered my own behaviour in order to keep the peace and keep him happy.

The relationship began to decline as I challenged my partner’s behaviour and openly called him out on his manipulation of me. I found my voice that he had cleverly managed to suppress, I began to make choices that were based on my own desires instead of his, I stopped allowing his manipulative behaviour to impact on me. He began to withdraw.

I recognised the relationship was something I needed to let go of and we separated. I felt the loss of all the false adoration, the weak promises, the imagined closeness. I cried. I grieved. I felt alone, and I felt the physical heartache of losing this man.

Within a week, he was in a new relationship and it broke me. I couldn’t function. How could he simply move on so quickly? Had our relationship meant so little to him? Of course the answer was yes. 

Shortly afterwards, I happened to have a perfectly timed reconnection with an old and wise friend from university that had experienced a similar breakup, and in my recounting of what I was going through, she began to offer me a different perspective. She recommended some reading material to me and I downloaded the book ‘Psychopath Free’ by Peace as soon as I returned home. I didn’t put it down until I’d finished and it changed my life.

For the first time, I began to truly understand the manipulation and control I had been living under the entire time and accept the reality that our relationship had meant nothing more to him than something to do, having someone to manipulate and control, having his own way and having someone else finance it.

What I didn’t learn on the group program and what was missing for me to gain clarity was sociopathy. This man was a sociopath. There were lots of things I had intrinsically understood and allowed to go on unchallenged because of my fear of hurting his feelings. He had made sure that this would be the case. He played victim and created feelings of guilt if I ever raised his behaviour as an issue. I was always the bad guy.

I was able to stop grieving and start exploring the relationship, recognising red flags all over it, right from the very start. I felt stronger and clearer and strangely, at peace. Knowing he had never loved me made it easier to let him go as it was his perceived love of me that had kept me in the abuse for so long and had created the confusion and devastating emotions I had recently experienced with his move into a new relationship.

This was one of my weaknesses, I needed to be loved and he love bombed me. I was also too nice. He was able to use me, hurt me, anger me, upset me, and I couldn’t bring myself to make him feel uncomfortable about it. It’s a terrible thing when being nice makes you vulnerable to abuse and manipulation but that is, unfortunately, the reality. I identified also that my self-doubt and fear of being alone was what drew him to me, he was able to take advantage of the fact I was a single mother in need of company and support and would ignore my doubts about his questionable behaviour in order to preserve the relationship I felt I needed.

I made it easy for him and that’s a fact I’ve come to accept. He was always going to be the sociopath he is. He will never love or feel a deep connection to another human being and I pity him. He doesn’t know any other way to make himself feel good and that’s a terrible shame. And he’s not alone, the world is full of sociopathic individuals just waiting to take advantage of your vulnerabilities to make themselves feel better, more powerful. Do yourself a favour and identify what these are so you will be better able to listen to your instincts, to act on your uncomfortable feelings, to feel strong enough to voice your distaste and move away from unhealthy relationships.

Acknowledging and exploring my vulnerabilities had a profound impact on my development into who I am today. I have found strength, independence, confidence, and happiness, and I guarantee I will never allow myself to be treated that way again.