How do I set Boundaries with my clients?

We’re in a helping profession, we’re happy to accommodate clients, we offer appointment flexibility, we offer places that aren’t used weekly that negatively affect our income, we work long hours and offer support outside of sessions to clients in crisis. How are your boundaries looking?

Why do we need boundaries? For me, boundaries demonstrate self-respect. If you can demonstrate firm expectations of what you will and will not accept, you are inviting others to respect your wishes too. This is important in both our personal and professional relationships and I’m sure you’ve encouraged clients to establish their own boundaries in order to look after themselves but have you considered what your own boundaries are? Or what they need to be? Do you feel comfortable setting down expectations for yourself? What are you willing to tolerate in your relationships? Are you readily available? Are you being ‘too nice?’

Do you allow your clients freedom to come and go and contact you when they feel like it? Do you charge for missed appointments or relinquish the income? Do you accommodate client need at the expense of your own preferences?

Do you contract your boundaries? Are you clear from the start what you expect from your client? Is it evident what they can, and cannot, expect from you? Do you re-visit your contract when the expectations are not being met? You have the right to set out your boundaries, your expectations, your needs as the therapist in the relationship, your rules, and the potential consequences if these aren’t respected.

Not only does this allow you to manage your caseload professionally, but it offers the client clarity, it demonstrates to the client what boundaries look like, sound like, and feel like which, as we know, can be greatly beneficial for anyone that has lived without firm boundaries, it supports trust in the relationship when boundaries are adhered to, it generates respect for the sessions and your time outside of the sessions. We have a life to live when we’re not ‘in session.’

We can care and still maintain distance. We can be flexible without being available at all times. We can say no to clients who push the boundaries and still continue a good relationship with them – honestly, we can – I promise! The relationship may even improve.

I had a client recently that displayed many manipulative and controlling behaviours both within and outside of the counselling room. I believe my boundaries to be firm and fair and I’m generally very good at managing these but this client got the better of me for a while. *Some details have been changed throughout this article to ensure client confidentiality.

I found myself offering later appointments than I usually would, I offered appointment reminders that aren’t usual practice, and I was answering personal questions in the therapy when they wanted my opinion ‘as a friend, not a therapist.’

There came a point when, during supervision, I was seriously questioning myself and wondering what had happened to my usually robust boundaries. In my attempt to accommodate this client I had relinquished some of my important boundaries and was allowing them to take control of my working practices.

It was at our next appointment that they informed me they wanted to have a 5 week break in their therapy and, when I advised I didn’t hold places open for more than 4 weeks, they tried to convince me that my calculations were wrong and it was indeed only 4 weeks. 

I snapped.

At this point, I advised them that their place would be offered elsewhere unless they made an appointment within the next 4 weeks, that I would not be offering appointments after 6pm and that I would not be sending out appointment reminders. We agreed to a 6pm appointment in 4 weeks’ time and, after a small attempt to convince me they needed the appointment reminder and me standing my ground, they left.

They returned 4 weeks later, on the right day, at the right time, not late, not early.

They informed me that, due to a change in circumstances, they would only be able to commit to 2 further sessions. I suggested we book them both in and advised I would be offering their place to someone else following their last appointment so, if they decided they wanted to continue, they would need to be placed on the waiting list for another availability.

They subsequently attended both their appointments, on time, and I openly discussed the controlling behaviour I felt they had displayed. They attempted to direct the conversation elsewhere and I insisted we focus on them. They asked for my personal opinion as a friend and I offered them my professional opinion as their counsellor. They didn’t deny the controlling behaviour but never did admit it either.  They listened to me intently when I offered them my honest account and I can only hope that they made some attempt to consider this within themselves. They told me they’d miss me when they left and they left me a great review.

I find that those clients who challenge our boundaries and who are challenged back, retaliate. They usually decide that they will not continue therapy with you.

If you’re worried that a client may not return because you’ve set a firm boundary with them, then you need to let them go, if they can’t respect your needs, replace them with someone that can. You’ll enjoy your work much more if you’re working with people willing to respect your boundaries in return for good quality therapy.

So what do we need to consider when we are drafting up boundaries within our contracts?

Well, let me talk you through mine. I advise clients from the initial appointment:

• That, if they arrive late, the finishing time will remain the same

• The hours they can contact me between and that any communication outside of those hours will usually be responded to within 24hrs.

• That any frequent contact outside of sessions will result in a conversation about additional support needs

• That I will contact the next of kin or a professional to hand over responsibility for their care if I deem them to be at risk to themselves or someone else following a session.

• The commitment to fees, how this will work, and the consequences if these aren’t paid.

• The boundaries to confidentiality and I take NOK details and GP details. If the client is presenting as suicidal I will take a list of additional NOK details. 

And I stick to these boundaries. If you don’t maintain the boundaries set out in your contract, how can you expect the client to? Adhering to the details in the contract keeps you both clear on the expectations set out for each other. I also set out what I offer and what they can expect from me, and I stick to these too.

How I witness these working for me:

I ring clients who do not turn up for their appointments and find that they often have forgotten and advise they’d like to rearrange. Upon reminding them of the cancellation fee (50% of the normal fee) they immediately advise they will be with me shortly. They have a shorter session and I make my full fee. We both benefit. 

I have other clients who, mid-therapy, ask if they can come in ad-hoc as they feel they need it. I advise them I cannot hold their place for them if they aren’t committing to regular sessions and I would need to offer this to someone else unless they commit to sessions at least fortnightly. They always agree. We need to ensure clients are committed to their sessions for their own wellbeing as well as our financial wellbeing. (I do allow longer periods between sessions as they are coming to the end of their therapy.)

I had a client turn up 30 minutes late for their first appointment and attempt to draw out the session so they could tell me everything they needed me to know, it proved difficult to adhere to time boundaries but, in the end, when I’d stood with my diary in my hand, booking them in for their next appointment, with my next client waiting in reception, and they were continuing to ask if they could tell me ‘one more thing’ I literally held up my hand and firmly said ‘no.’ They still returned the following week, 20 minutes late, and I was ready and prepared to end on time, and did, despite a further attempt to eke out the session. And they came back again (only once more as they pushed different boundaries in their last session and found me unwilling to engage with their unhealthy behaviours).

I had a client some years ago that contacted me by text at all hours of the day and night wanting to chat. I delayed any responses until my contracted contactable hours kicked in and generally advised them that we could discuss their needs in the next session. One particularly difficult occasion led me to firmly advise them that I would not be continuing the conversation and they would need to wait until their next session. They retaliated and stated they wouldn’t be attending. They contacted me a couple of weeks later to apologise for their behaviour and we agreed they needed much more support than I could offer them within the confines of our relationship. They told me they had enjoyed the sessions and felt we had had a good rapport and done some great work. We parted on good terms.

We need to be very clear that our work is about offering clients what they need, not what they want.

Anyone attempting to push your boundaries will not take it personally if you call them out on it. They know what they’re doing and they will respect you if you refuse to comply. This can only end well, even if that means the therapy comes to a premature end.

Why not use a supervision session to discuss your boundaries and any obstacles to you implementing these robustly. You can find another article around using your supervision effectively here.