Narcissists, Sociopaths & Psychopaths: What’s the difference?

I’ve heard the term narcissist come up a lot in recent months and it would appear that the Covid pandemic has highlighted narcissistic traits in close relationships as we’ve spent more time with our close families. But could it be something more?

Narcissists need to feel superior to others and will engage with people in a way that makes them feel important, admired, or adored. During the pandemic, they will have had tough time due to having some of their sources of supply cut off and they’ll have been much more difficult to deal with as they need more and more from you.

I’ve seen an increase in clients dealing with abusive partners and needy parents and the question that is posed each time is how deep does this go? Do they go beyond narcissism? Are they sociopaths? Or even psychopaths? And what’s the difference?

Let’s take a look:

The Narcissist

The lesser of the 3 evils but non-the-less difficult to live with. They will only be interested in talking about themselves and their achievements, how much better they are than those around them and how much more important they are. They will often be very successful in their careers and home lives as they strive for the respect and admiration of others and will only be interested in what you have to say if they can find a benefit in it for themselves. They can often be viewed as really lovely, sociable, non-threatening, amiable people but they will repeatedly turn the conversation back to themselves and leave you feeling you have nothing interesting to say about yourself. You can’t compete because they’ll always have done something that’s one step ahead of you. Narcissists struggle to feel love or empathy for others.

The Sociopath

Sociopaths are also narcissists but will get what they want via manipulation and control. The sociopath will be a charmer and will love bomb you. The sociopath is abusive. They strive for power over others and love to watch your emotional responses to their words and behaviours. They will engage psychological warfare in your relationship, building you up before breaking you down, over and over again. You will feel you’re wrong to question them and doubt your own behaviours and your entire being as they create emotions in you that create responses they can then use against you. Sociopaths are out for what they can get. They want you to love and adore them because they’re unable to love anyone but themselves. When they’re done with you they will move on quickly to their next target in order to cause you the optimum amount of distress so they can feel good about how devastated you are to lose them. Sociopaths will not feel love for others, they get their ‘feel good’ feelings from control, not love.

The Psychopath

The greater of the 3 evils. The psychopath will encompass all the traits of the narcissist and sociopath but will have no qualms about doing whatever they need to do to earn the respect they feel they deserve. They will have no respect for the law and will not feign pretence for understanding how others may feel. They will control using fear and intimidation and will deem this perfectly acceptable. Your rights do not matter. The psychopath is a dangerous individual and you will need support to keep yourself safe if you choose to leave. They will not appreciate you taking control and walking away and they will fight to get you back in order to feel they’ve won. Psychopaths are incapable of love, they will view other people as objects to be used to gain a sense of control in order to feel powerful.

It's important to note that, despite the outwardly confident demeanour of the above 3 characters, they are deeply insecure, and the more controlling they are, the more insecure you can be sure they are. The deeper the insecurity, the deeper the urge for control, and the more extreme the behaviour. These characters will stop at nothing to avoid their feelings of insecurity and fear.

The 3 have unfortunately developed such an unhealthy view of themselves and the world around them that they’ve felt the need to take power and control and display that outward confidence we so often see but that is as fake as the love they profess to have for you.

It is a true shame that they will never experience a healthy relationship when it is so often offered to them. And it is sad that they will never be truly happy whilst they’re fighting for control instead of allowing themselves to engage in the love that is shown to them. It is a much bigger shame however that so many individuals become victim to these characters and find themselves in these unhealthy and abusive relationships.

Which one are you living with? And what help do you need to escape? Putting yourself first doesn’t make you the narcissist, it makes you the survivor. You will never change the character of one of the above because they don’t want to change, they don’t even want to admit that there’s anything they need to change because again, this means paying attention to the insecurities they are desperately trying to hide. You will never win. They will never change. The only way to have yourself a healthy relationship is to leave the abuser, look inward at your own insecurities that drove you to one of these characters in the first place, do some work on yourself, and move onto happier times.

If you need any support during any of this process, you can contact us for an appointment today. Come and talk through your doubts, your questions, your reluctance to leave, your feelings, your thoughts, and your insecurities. 

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You can find other relationship resources including safety plans and a red flag checklist here.