Narcissistic Mothers

We grow up in a society that values a mother-child relationship, that emphasises the role of the mother on healthy child development, that reinforces the unconditional love between the two but this isn’t always present and the relationship can often be detrimental to the child’s emotional wellbeing.

The signs.

It is difficult to accept that our own mothers can be the reason we struggle, be the cause of our limitations, be the core of why we enter into unhealthy relationships that take more than give. 

Narcissistic mothers will generate a sense of guilt in their children using a wide variety of tactics that make the child feel responsible for the mother’s emotional wellbeing. The child will aim to please, will support her emotionally, and will worry about her when they’re apart.

As the child moves into adulthood there will be a recognition that things seem unbalanced, that the parent/child roles have been reversed, and that it has become difficult to live a meaningful life without considering the needs of the mother first.

The mother will always want things her way. She will put a great deal of time into ensuring her child(ren) fit into the life she wants to display to others, whether they like it or not, and where they fail to surrender to her desires, she’ll draw in the people around her to help her make the child feel bad about putting their own needs first. She’ll do this by playing the victim, she’ll stress how hurt and upset she is by the child’s resistance to her demands and make sure it looks like they’ve done something terrible by twisting the narrative. She’ll “only want us to be together as a family” or she’ll “not see enough of her grandchildren” or similar, all tactics to draw the child into the world she wants to project to others. 

Narcissistic mothers will have high expectations of you because then they can ‘show you off’ to their friends and colleagues. If you enter a career that she doesn’t deem worthy of showing off, she may discourage you, talk to you about other paths you could take, or tell you how much better her other children are doing in order to make you feel you’re not up to standard. This will lead to low self-worth and low self-confidence. You will strive to achieve better and better but may never realistically be able to meet the mother’s standards whilst also doing what feels right for you. You will feel unimportant and will be made to feel you are to blame for the strains on your relationship with your mother. And you may believe this to be true.

The impact.

It’s a very difficult thing to accept that we may never have been truly loved by our mother, that everything she may have done for us will have been to present an image of herself to the world as a good mum. She will reward us with love when we do as we are asked to do. We therefore learn that love is earned, and it’s earned by neglecting our own needs in favour of pandering to someone else’s needs instead.

It can be just as difficult to entirely cut off from our mothers because we feel we should have a relationship with them, or we are still attempting to have our needs met by her, or we feel too guilty to leave her behind, or we worry about what people will think. It is a challenging task however to create a relationship with a narcissist within which you feel your boundaries are being respected. It’s important to acknowledge that the relationship will not benefit you in any way because it will never be equal. You will always be the one to give to the relationship. Any continuing relationship therefore should be considered carefully as, in order to set boundaries, you will need to remain firm and your mother will likely fight back and cause you a great deal of distress.

The relationship we will have had with our mother will most certainly have had an effect on whom we have become in relation to others, in our friendships and relationships where you may well forego your own needs in order to please others because this has been the norm throughout your life. You will have learned that you have to please people and keep them happy in order to feel good about yourself. You will have learned that to expect anything in return will be met with conflict and it will feel extremely uncomfortable to even consider asking for anything for yourself. This leaves us vulnerable to abuse and manipulation by those seeking to take advantage of us which in itself builds up our belief that we aren’t worthy of love or of having our needs satisfied. It can be so very challenging to even begin to consider what your own needs and desires actually are, it just doesn’t come naturally.

An alternative perspective.

I often consider how difficult it must be to be a narcissist. The need to have everyone around you within your control must be exhausting. To ensure that everyone lives their lives to your specification, being high achievers so you can feel you’re a good mother, whilst also being around to meet your demands and play happy families, whilst having their own families that must come second but still being good partners and parents so it doesn’t reflect badly on you. The organisation it must take to keep all of this flowing must take some skill. Bearing this in mind, it’s understandable then that they react fiercely when you deviate from their plan and try to do things your own way.

It can be helpful to acknowledge that the mother’s narcissism will have stemmed from their own difficult upbringing. It means we don’t have to blame them when this makes us feel guilty for doing so. The danger though in acknowledging the mother’s own experiences is that we then feel we have to continue to look after them. It can make it much more difficult to detach ourselves from the drama that develops if we again put their needs before ours due to our sense of loyalty.

Looking after you.

Breaking away from the narcissistic mother is often a gradual process. The further away we get, the more distressed she becomes as we meet her needs less and less, the more she fights to regain control and makes us appear ungrateful and a bad son or daughter.

If we choose to confront our mothers about their narcissism, it may feel good to get it off our chest but our words will be twisted and every effort will be made to convince us how wrong we are. This can be terribly frustrating and we may feel we are going crazy as we battle with our own beliefs and wonder if we’ve got it all wrong.

The manipulation we will continue to experience is hard to understand when we can’t contemplate this level of control over another person, and when that person is their own child, it becomes all the more difficult to comprehend.

Whether you cut off completely or you make an attempt at a more limited relationship with the narcissistic mother, you will need support. Find yourself a local therapist with particular knowledge in narcissistic relationships and talk the process through as you’re experiencing it, you’ll likely find yourself desperate for your each and every session whilst you work towards a healthy outcome for you.

You can speak to me today if you’d like to discuss how therapy could help you here.