How do I Recover from an Abusive Relationship?
“My relationship was abusive so why do I feel so much sadness now he’s gone?” The loss of any relationship is still a loss, it won’t have all been bad and we may struggle to let go of the ‘good’ parts and we will miss them. So how do we move forward?
The manipulation and control we will have experienced in an abusive relationship will leave us unsure of how to move on when we are able to separate ourselves from the abuser. We will deeply miss the highs we have been afforded in the relationship as these are what kept us going before the separation and we may now be tormented by the lows we experienced and continue to experience.
It is normal to feel like we’re not normal, like there is something innately wrong with us to have allowed this to have happened, to have not recognised the signs earlier and done something about it. To feel ashamed and embarrassed to have been the pawn in someone else’s game. To feel like we will never recover. How will we ever trust again? How will we ever trust ourselves again?
We will feel low, we will feel lost, we will feel confused, we will feel angry. We will fluctuate between all of these and more. It is important to acknowledge that all of these feelings are valid and serve their purpose. Feeling low will slow us down and give us time to contemplate the events that have occurred. Feeling lost will allow us time to consider who we have in our lives that are good for us, that are supportive and nurturing. Feeling confused will encourage us to find answers to what has happened to us in order to ensure we will recognise the signs in any future relationships. And anger can be a great tool for refocusing and pushing us forward, to help us look for solutions to our situation and do it with strength and determination.
Often, it is quite difficult to envision a life without the abuser as, though we recognise the detrimental impact he has had on our wellbeing, he may also, conversely, have been our source of happiness and self-worth if he played his game well. And he likely did. We may feel we will never find happiness without him, we may be desperate for his attention and affection despite finding he used these to destroy us over and over again. We will know we don’t want to continue in an abusive relationship but we may feel drawn to return in order to fill the void that has been left in his absence. It may feel more difficult to live without the enrichment we gained than to live with the abuse that came with it. This is one reason women stay in abusive relationships for so long. They’ve forgotten how to feel good outside of it. They’ve lost themselves somewhere along the way, or rather, they’ve had their sense of self stripped from them without them noticing.
It is common to experience Post-Traumatic Stress even when we are still in an abusive relationship and most certainly following the separation. This is when we will be left to ruminate on our experiences, have the time to reflect and feel our pain, relive the confusion, the emotions, and the violence if this was implemented by the abuser.
Where Post-Traumatic stress exists, you may want to consider professional support to help you overcome this, however there are a few things you can be doing to help yourself in the meantime.
Talk about your experiences – the more you talk, the less impact the associated feelings will have on you – if you consider how a funny joke loses it’s comedy value the more you tell it, you’ll see how this works. The joke is always the same but the more you repeat it, the less you laugh. This works with negative emotions too. Repeat the experience until it becomes just something you are talking about rather than something you are feeling to any significant degree.
Write down how you are feeling, what you are thinking, and any triggers that make things worse so you can seek to implement ways to manage these. If we see patterns in our words and can see we are triggered by certain places, sounds, people etc, we can begin to recognise these as potentially detrimental to us for the time being and look to avoid these where appropriate or attribute new experiences and thinking patterns to them. E.g. if you used to go somewhere special with your ex-partner, make a plan to go with someone else so you can connect that place to another person and other positive experiences and feelings, this may take some time and you may need to make several trips but you will begin to make new connections in your brain to more healthy associations.
Sit in your sadness. This is an uncomfortable and upsetting thing to do but it is so very necessary. Sadness is our body’s way of telling us it is time to let go of something and to move on to something new. Feel it. Cry it out. It’s healthy. Loss is always difficult, no matter the circumstances. Allow yourself time to grieve. You invested a significant amount of time and energy into the relationship and it will take time to accept that it was never going to be what you hoped it would be. This acknowledgement can be extremely challenging. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
Practice mindfulness to keep yourself grounded and feeling safe. Mindfulness is a great way to connect yourself to your current surroundings and keep you in the moment if you’re having trouble staying out of the past. It’s also a valuable tool for bringing enjoyment back into your day, helping you focus on each task as you undertake it, and helping you gain some sense of contentedness, happiness, and fulfilment whilst you build up your strength and confidence.
Educate yourself. The more you can understand your experiences and your ex-partner’s behaviour, the more you will be able to put the pieces together and find some clarity. The Freedom Programme is a great, low cost, online resource provided by Women’s Aid that can help you begin making sense of what has happened to you. You will also find resources here at Clarendon Counselling that explore sociopathic behaviour that you may find useful. A good place to start would be a previous article entitled I can’t get over a failed relationship.
An important element in recovering from an abusive relationship is to cut contact with the abuser. If contact remains, in any way, shape or form, the manipulation and control can also remain and continue to make you doubt your new and improved view of what this relationship was actually all about. Severing ties is an essential part of your recovery. This is of course very difficult where there are children involved as the abusive partner will seek to use the children to manipulate you where you refuse to allow them to contact you directly. This is tremendously difficult to manage and you must seek support with this. Do not try to deal with this alone. Seek legal advice where necessary. There are a variety of support services that can assist you with this, our emergency contact page details some numbers available nationally but there will also be services local to you.
Without the abusive ex, you will begin to wonder how you got here, likely remembering the old ‘you’ who was fun and carefree and happy. There will be a stark difference between your old view of the world and your new, evidence based perspective of the ugliness that exists in the world, that has entered your life and drained you of your old, innocent self. In time, you will come to see that this is a good thing, that you will have a new-found respect for, and understanding of, human behaviour. You will have a deeper empathy for others dealing with similar situations.
When you are ready, consider what may have drawn the abuser to you. Some self-reflection will be your most valuable asset. If you can identify your vulnerabilities, you can work on them. There will most certainly have been red flags in the early stages of the relationship, and you will have chosen to ignore them. Ask yourself why. Recognising your own behaviours is a great first step to change. When we work on our vulnerabilities, we become more confident, more self-aware, develop greater self-respect and self-esteem, and place ourselves in a much better position for healthy relationships down the line. You will find fun, happiness, and excitement again but will be in a much better position to keep them safe from harm. You will learn to set boundaries that keep you protected from those who might want to take advantage. You will learn to trust your instincts that will in turn help you make deeper connections and develop healthier relationships with those around you that deserve a place in your life.
Recovering from an abusive relationship will be a long process but, along the way you will become much stronger. You have survived. You’ve learned lessons along the way. You’ll have a great deal to offer to others going through the same difficulties. You’ll have a much clearer perspective going forward. You’ll emerge wiser and more connected to the world around you. This recovery process won’t last forever. You will get there. You will be okay.
If you are looking for some support to combat the difficulties you’re facing and explore your vulnerabilities, please do get in touch, we’re ready and eager to help. Contact us today.
