Will my Soulmate Come Back to me?

Did you find your soulmate and lose them? How do you know they were the one? What if you’re spending all your time and energy trying to rekindle a relationship with a false soulmate? How will you know the difference?

So what I mean by a false soulmate is quite simple. This person will create a false persona that reflects your needs, desires, ambitions, and personality in order to create an immediate connection with you that leaves you desperate to keep hold of them from the very start.

They will quickly identify your vulnerabilities and use them to their advantage. They’ll match them and ensure you know that they understand just how you feel. They’ll have low self-esteem too and low confidence and they’ll present an inferior character that needs to be nurtured and cared for and loved and they’ll have you feeling you can be that person for them.

A client once described her ex-partner as having presented himself as having such low self-esteem that her own low self-esteem issues paled into insignificance and she actually felt confident around him because she was doing so much for him to make sure he felt comfortable. This felt great to her so she continued deeper into the relationship. Of course this also meant she was spending so much of her time reassuring him that she was spending less and less time with her friends and family and she became more and more dependent on him for her ‘feel good fix.’ 

These characters will declare you their soulmate very quickly, they’ve never met anyone like you, they’ve never been so connected to someone before, you’re nothing like their past lovers. They’ll share your hopes for the future even if they’ve never actually considered them before. They will love bomb you and become an integral part of your life very swiftly. They may never have to use the term soulmate as you’ll have arrived at this exciting conclusion yourself.

Once they have established themselves as the dream partner you’ve always wanted, they will begin to manipulate the relationship by using compliments in a very direct way by, for example, comparing you to other people. They’ll let you know exactly what they didn’t like in previous partners and what they don’t like in close family members in order to ensure you know how not to behave if you want them to like you and want for the relationship to last. They will of course do this with flattery by letting you know how much better you are than these people. It feels great! What a confidence boost!

Unfortunately, this leaves us trying to maintain this wonderful us, we don’t want to do anything to lose his faith in us as the perfect partner. We’ll do anything to keep him happy and keep the compliments coming and feel good about ourselves and our relationship. This will include neglecting our needs in the relationship. If he upsets us we don’t want to raise it as an issue because we’re going to make him feel bad or have him think we aren’t what he thought we were. And of course we will doubt ourselves if we feel we don’t live up to his expectations. Is it us? Are we being over-sensitive?

If we do challenge his behaviour, he will be so pitiful in his response that we will feel instantly terrible for having done so and will be reluctant to do this again.

The false soulmate will be very focused on your appearance and tell you how beautiful or how sexy you are. They are, unfortunately, simply looking for return compliments which you will of course offer them because how could you not?

A recent client came to the realisation that her partner was using constant flattery as an excuse for his high sex drive. He would tell her constantly that he couldn’t help his overly sexual behaviour that overrode all other elements of their relationship because she was too sexy. She could be telling him about her day at work and he would cut her off mid-sentence to talk about wanting sex or to discuss sex they’d had on previous occasions. It had been her instinct for some time that his generosity in the bedroom was not about satisfying her but about satisfying his own prowess – if he could make her orgasm, he felt great about himself. In these instances, he didn’t need her words, he could take control of his confidence-boosting himself by using her in an utterly complimentary way. She of course felt she needed to be equally as generous in return so he was winning big! 

If you look back and consider the information your ‘soulmate’ gave you about themselves in those early days, what did you learn? Did they offer you anything of themselves at the beginning or did they simply agree with your viewpoints and express amazement at how alike you both were? False soulmates tend to turn the conversation back to you in order to learn everything about you to assist them in becoming who you need them to be, this will also give them the added benefit of making you believe they’re a good listener and really interested in you (they are but not for the right reasons!)

Have you ever witnessed them be a completely different person around others? A false soul mate will need to be careful presenting themselves to different people in certain situations as they will have presented themselves differently depending on what they want to get out of each relationship.

I recall being told by a survivor of a false soulmate that she was struck dumb by her long-term boyfriend when he took a call from a friend in her presence, temporarily forgetting himself and becoming someone she simply didn’t recognise, before ending the call and returning to the chosen character he used around her. She had no idea what had happened in that short space of time but the situation felt profound for her. It felt uncomfortable. Something wasn’t right. We can all act differently around different people in different situations but this was extreme, his behaviour alien to her.

False soulmates will cheat. They will expect you to be faithful. They will excuse their infidelity, blame it on others, blame it on you, or even make you feel sorry for them. In truth, they will do what they want because they’ve no interest in how it might make you feel. As long as they are meeting their own needs, the destruction they leave behind is of no concern to them.

False soulmates are highly manipulative beings and will take what they can get for as long as they can before moving on and destroying your entire world. The loss is devastating after being drawn in so deeply and believing in your relationship so whole-heartedly.

The confusion we are left with, the struggle to understand what has happened to us, can be simply too much to bear. We cling on to hope, we make excuses for their behaviour, we feel the need for their expressions of love in our lives. We’ve been dropped from a great height and we need them to help us survive. See previous article “I can’t get over a failed relationship” for further insight into this.

So will they come back? If it serves a purpose for them, yes. If they can use you to their benefit they’ve nothing to lose. They may enjoy watching you suffer for a while before returning, leaving you utterly grateful for a second chance, relieved that you’ve not lost them forever, determined to do your best to make them happy so they won’t leave you again. How wonderful for them to feel so loved and wanted.

False soulmates are desperate to be loved and adored and take great pleasure in how good other people make them feel through the connections they’ve made and the performances they’ve put on. The creation of their personas and the upkeep of these is hard work so the pay off needs to be worth it. If you’re willing to let them know how much you love them, miss them, and can’t be without them, they’re going to relish it. They will not return the favour in a genuine way, any love they display is manufactured, they are incapable of feeling love.

If you are still in contact with the ‘soulmate’ you have lost, ask yourself if how they are behaving and responding to you is normal. What would you tell someone else in your shoes? How would you respond if the situation were reversed? If their behaviour doesn’t make sense, it’s because you’re not yet able to see the reality of the situation. You’re trying to understand abnormal and sociopathic behaviour in a way that makes sense to you and it won’t, unless you accept the reality of the false soulmate and do some reading around sociopathy, narcissism, and psychopathy. Only then will it all become clear!

If you’ve come to the end of this article finding yourself considering your soulmate in a different light, check out my other blogs available on the subject including Hidden Abuse.

You can also sign up for future articles on this topic including the upcoming Scared of Losing him. Simply click the subscribe link to have these dropped straight into your inbox.