PTSD and Abusive Relationships

Recovery from an abusive relationship can be tremendously difficult and if you’re having flashbacks, nightmares, and difficulty sleeping, and you’re feeling jumpy and anxious and low in mood, this will only make the recovery more difficult. You may be experiencing Post traumatic stress.

PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is commonly attributed to abusive relationships. The experiences you will encounter within a toxic relationship can generate exactly the same response in the brain as, say, a terrorist attack, an explosion, or a car crash. PTSD, though classified as a ‘disorder’ is a perfectly natural response to extreme circumstances.

The brain struggles to process extreme emotions as they run so high and it has never had to deal with these before. Extreme fear, and fear of death in particular, will send the brain into meltdown, it’s primary purpose is to keep you alive and well so, during the trauma itself it will initiate the fight, flight or freeze response, i.e. you will either run from the danger to protect yourself, you will fight back in order to prevent something bad happening to you, or you will remain still, in the hope that the situation will pass or someone will resolve the situation on your behalf.

The brain does a great job in keeping us alive but where extreme situations threaten our safety, it is forced to face its vulnerabilities. It will have an internal struggle with itself, it will feel like a failure, and it will go into overdrive trying to establish a way to ensure this doesn’t happen again. It will perceive everything as a potential threat, keep you alert and watchful, encourage you to keep yourself safe at all costs, stay home, and avoid contact with others whilst it tries to figure out what went wrong and what it could’ve done differently. The emotions then will remain strong and difficult to manage whilst the brain is trying to sort through the events that created them.

The difficulty of course, is that we aren’t invincible, bad things can happen and they’re out of our control. It doesn’t matter how much the brain tries to figure out what we could have done differently to make sure we don’t find ourselves in this situation again, it will not succeed in putting control measures in place for all eventualities. The brain is a stubborn old thing though and won’t quit until we find a way to reassure it. 

Instincts

The brain generally works very well alongside instincts. We don’t always trust our instincts but we are the first to agree with the brain when a situation ends badly for us and we look back at the warning signs and our choice to ignore them. We’ll likely blame ourselves. The brain will be frustrated that we lost sight of our instincts however, we’ll be more likely to trust our instincts the next time round and so the brain will be pleased that a lesson has been learned and will feel reassured that this won’t happen again.

In abusive relationships however, we push our instincts aside from the very beginning because the relationship offers us something we are willing to take risks for. As the relationship continues and our brain and instincts collectively keep telling us something is intrinsically wrong, rather than listen to them, it becomes easier to doubt ourselves, our minds, and our instincts rather than face up to the situation we have ended up in. We will do what we can to convince our brains into believing we can survive, we remind it of the parts of the relationship that make us feel good, we convince it we won’t be able to survive outside the relationship, that the partner offers us security if not safety. By doing this, we are colluding with the abusers control and manipulation. Prolonged emotional abuse can elevate stress, leave us feeling confused, isolated, and anxious and, when we are living with this over a long period of time, this can generate symptoms of PTSD. We are being mentally tortured. We feel we are going mad and may believe this is the truth. The brain simply can’t manage the emotions long-term. It needs us to make a change and alleviate the suffering the abuser is putting it through.

Physical Abuse

Where violence has become a part of the relationship, we will find it all the more difficult to reassure the brain because we may genuinely fear for our lives on a regular basis, but we aren’t able to engage fight or flight for fear of consequences and so we freeze, we hope things will get better, we hope the violence will end, we hope someone will rescue us. 

We live on edge, the brain doing its best to protect us, keeping us alert to the tiniest indicator that violence may be coming so we can put measures into place to try to prevent it. It’s important to recognise that instinct has kicked in again here.

If the brain understands that to leave would be to put ourselves at risk, we are going to need to convince it that we are putting measures in place to reduce or eliminate the risk, otherwise it may agree that the better option is to stay, or to return if we have already made the break and are finding this difficult. Don’t forget, the brain is looking for an option to keep us as safe as it can so it can feel confident that its doing its job. If the abuser is convincing us that we are safer returning to them than moving away from them, it becomes easier to believe them and convince the brain this is the best option than to continue into the unknown. When we are still doubting ourselves and ignoring our instincts, it will be easy for the abuser to convince us and our brains that this is the safer option.

Safety planning

You can imagine then how conflicted this becomes when we are fearing for our lives with the abuser but also fearing for our lives when we consider leaving. We will most certainly be experiencing traumatic stress. We may turn to alternative strategies here such as using alcohol or drugs to numb this conflict, to put the brain in an altered state in order to quieten down its indecision in these difficult circumstances, simply so we can find some rest. Drugs and alcohol may help us to sleep where the hyper-vigilance won’t allow this. If we are rested, if we have slept, we may again find some strength to try to figure things out. Figure a way out. Your brain won’t begrudge you this. It will probably welcome it with open arms in fact. It’s struggling and needs rest of its own. It can’t figure the situation out without you to put measures into place but the brain wants concrete plans so it can be clear of its role.

It’s very difficult to devise strategies and create plans to remove ourselves from abusive relationships when we are running on high alert. We will see flaws in every plan, feel the need to consider every eventuality, and struggle to find the energy or the confidence to put actions into place. If we’re going to put ourselves at risk and enter the unknown, we need to have faith it will be worth it.

At this point, it may be useful to draw up a safety plan around staying in the relationship. If we can feel reassured that we can escape if things become dangerous, we’ll move one step closer to reassuring the brain that we can manage our situation as it currently stands.

This will help us feel somewhat better in ourselves and also helps us begin focusing on decisive action without too much at stake. We will then feel somewhat stronger and more confident in making plans to leave, and the brain will have more faith in us and may relax a little.

You can find an example of what to include in your Safety Plan here.

The After Effects

It may take us a long time to build up the courage to escape, to believe in ourselves and our ability to keep ourselves safe. It may take some time to get the brain on side and have it help us look at our options and develop a plan that will keep us moving in the right direction without too much risk. It takes a lot of work to overcome the doubts and insecurity that will have set in throughout the relationship.

Once you have your safety plan in place, you can begin to build yourself up steadily. It will definitely help to talk this through with someone that can help you see things from a clearer perspective and support you in building self-belief and confidence.

Once we’ve convinced the brain it is better for us to leave than to stay, and it is determined to help us find a more healthy place to be, we will find it much easier to put our plans into motion.

We will likely expend a lot of energy planning and executing our moves and it may well be quite some time before we feel comfortable enough in our new life to stop and reflect on our experience.

The brain will basically at this point want you to consider every single move that landed you in such a situation and made things so traumatic. Neither of you will want to go through this again and so you will indulge it in trying to figure it out in order to ensure you will never have to relive it. But in actual fact, what you will be doing is reliving it over and over again in your head, remembering every word, every bruise, every soul destroying aspect of the experience until you feel exhausted and unable to think clearly. The abuse continues without any effort from the abuser at all.

Your brain has not been able to process the past emotions. It will be having somewhat of an identity crisis, it will be feeling fearful, down, confused, ashamed, and hopeless, and you will experience these things alongside it. Your brain will try to process the emotions by generating flashbacks and nightmares, reliving the experience in an attempt to find solutions that will allow it to relax and return to its usual confidence that it can keep you safe, alive, and well. This will likely also leave you feeling tense, tired, and having difficulty concentrating. You both need support to recover and find a baseline again where you can both feel more at ease, more confident, more in touch with your instincts, and finally feel safe.

It is vitally important here that you take some time to rest. Look after yourself emotionally and physically. Create healthy habits and seek support from family and friends. Writing down your thoughts and feelings and any experiences that go round and round in your mind will help tremendously, it helps the brain literally see the thoughts and feelings rather than trying to sort through them in your head. It helps it gain a clearer perspective and assists it in noticing patterns and inconsistencies. It needs your help. Write it, draw it, paint it, voice record it and play it back, whatever fits for you. Take it out of your head. And talk. Talking has the same impact. When you hear yourself say the words out loud it can sound different to how it sounds going round in your head. 

If you find yourself with nobody to talk to or you would like support from a professional therapist specialising in abusive relationships and PTSD, please don’t hesitate to contact us to begin your recovery process.

You will be listened to and supported in a safe, comfortable, and confidential space. Paper and pens will also be available!

Contact us via the enquiry page here or contact Tracy directly on 07831202104